I don’t have a lot of time for a wordy blog today. Just want to write a few lines of gratitude. I find myself so busy this Easter that I barely have time to sit in front of my computer. My sober Easter included a beautiful morning at Church, errands, shopping and a fabulous seafood lunch with mom.
I was busy doing life all day because that is the gift of sobriety. There were a few shameful Easters back in my drinking days in which I woke up to the panic of knowing that I was supposed to have done something (er…hide Easter eggs for your child, genius) and could not remember. I remember my head swimming in between dragon fumes of alcohol, that even I could smell on me. I remember the panic gripping my throat as I knew that my then 5 year old son would wake up in excitement to find… nada. Bottles of wine, empty and sad, all over the house. But no Easter Bunny joy. Oh the panic. Oh, the sad life of drunken me. The many tragic years surviving in that hell.
So I am grateful today, on this beautiful Easter Sunday. Grateful that I am sober. That I get to be a part of life in a way that is present. That I can choose to be present, whatever the feeling of the day may be. Yes, I still longed \ to be able to have a cold Chardonnay like my mother at lunch – even now I still think like that. No, that thought will never go away. I will probably always long for a glass of wine, or beer, or an apres-dinner liqueur. BUT – The thought lands for a second, and it is released into the air. It does not stay, sit in my brain, grow tentacles, take over. It does not have power over me. So long as I stay in my sobriety. So long as I do what I need to do to stay spiritually fit & connected.
Drinking thoughts come to me like little rabbit hops. They come, they bounce, they leave. I witness them impartially, present, calm – and feel just a nano-bit stronger for their existence. I am not their slave anymore. That is the freedom that I get to be a part of now.
That is what happens in sobriety. I am so incredibly grateful for it. So grateful for it. So grateful for it.
Oh and by the way – this upcoming week scares the shit out of me. I have tax decisions to make (and lots of moulah owed), and potential fights with 2 ex-husbands for multiple things. And my cough is still here after 5 weeks. I may have to do some serious medical scans soon.
But whatever the week brings, I will be ok. I will be ok. I will be ok.
The serenity of living one day at a time is as beautiful as a hand-painted Easter egg.
Bunny hugs, Sober Tribe.
Sober Mami ::