April 7, 2017

“I relapsed, had a slip and drank for days. I hate myself right now. I know I have an illness but I can not go on living with this person I have become. I have no respect for myself. I am full of self-loathing.I want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud. A year from now I want to be able to look back and feel pity for this person but know it’s in the past. I want to have faith in myself and for my husband to be able to trust me, to feel at peace in our relationship. Our bond is so fragile. Whatever love he feels for me is being rapidly erased. I can’t believe he even has any love for me left.”

The words above struck me, as I read the recovery blog of a fellow writer, who is struggling with a relapse. I read her lines over and over, so laced with pain, as she describes the insanity of living inside of her head...

April 2, 2017

Note: This is a transcript from the book Broken Open – How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow, by Elizabeth Lesser. I normally write my heart/brain out in these posts, but this is too good not to share directly from the pages if this fabulous read.

“Learn the alchemy true human beings know. The moment you accept what troubles you have been given, the door will open” – RUMI

How do we begin that journey from “once-born innocence” to “twice-born wisdom”? Where do we find the courage to make a big change? How do we use the forces of a difficult time to help us grow?

There are many ways, but the first way, the gateway, is to know that we are not alone in these endeavors. One of the greatest enigmas of human behavior is the way we isolate ourselves from each other. In our misguided perception of separation, we assume that others...

March 29, 2017

There is a lovely woman who was meant to be on my recovery path. One of the many magical things that the Universe has thrown my way recently. Her name is Sasha Tozzi  and she is a Unicorn – part Life Coach, part Recovery Coach, part Soul Explorer (www.sashaptozzi.com). I am about to get to know her a helluva lot better as I begin a 6-week course on Co-dependency with her this month.

On one of her posts she wrote about getting slapped on the hand (virtually) by a person who still thinks that our recovery program should remain Anonymous. As many of you know, I could punch someone when it comes to this subject of stigma and anonymity (except I wouldn’t because nothing can f*ck wit my zen lately. And because that wouldn’t be spiritually connected, now would it? But the instinct still comes like a firebal...

March 21, 2017

As many of you know, I am a single mom to a magnificent 16 year old son. Although I have been married (twice), I have never really stopped being a single mom. In other words, I have always been in charge mentally, emotionally, physically and financially of my son. Which is my privilege.

2016 was a rough year for my son. He had to see me go through my relapse from sobriety, he was exposed to lots of fights between my husband and I, and eventually he also had to pick me up from the ground when my husband left and I was left to rebuild a life. It was not a fun year for either us, but especially for him.

So this year, I have decided to do everything differently. On Jan 1, 2017 I vowed that this would be the best year of our Dallas life. And so far, its going great. My sobriety is back on track. My recovery is allowing for me...

March 13, 2017

I have a weird thing with airports and hot, famous men.

Last year, when I was still in my drinking relapse, I traveled to New York and was delayed at La Guardia. To my delight, there was a bar by the gate. More to my delight, one of the Baldwin brothers was there. The cute one, sitting by himself and looking mildly bored, with his drink and his phone. Drinking allows me to do bold things that I would never do sober. On this particular day, liquid valor allowed me to arrogantly ask William Baldwin if he would mind keeping his eye on my purses while I used the ladies room. He agreed. When I returned and tried to get my purses back, he pulled a chair beside him and asked me to join him. “Call me Billy” He said.

The next two hours of my delayed flight were fun and glorious and I flirted like I was in my 20’s. But...

March 13, 2017

HOW DO WE TURN FRUSTRATION INTO GRATITUDE? HOW DO WE GROW SPIRITUALLY? HOW DO WE MAKE THE BEST OF A BAD SITUATION? HOW DO WE LEARN TO LIVE LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS?

I grew up with a father who loved to “show the world” to his children. Travel and new experiences were a part of what he did for us. I was one of the lucky children who spent Spring Break on a snowy mountain, skiing and loving every second of it. And of course, my dad would bring us to none other than Vail, Colorado. As a child, I didn’t appreciate the financial effort this meant, I was just a little Latin girl who loved every second of magic and snow around her. Every second indeed. I grew up with beautiful childhood memories of our family ski-trips, enough to last me a lifetime.

As I grew older, those trips became a long-time memory. Life happened, and had me g...

March 7, 2017

Today I received an email from a beautiful girl in the Sober Tribe, who relapsed this weekend and just came out of a 3-day bender. She asked me what I recommended to get back on track with recovery, as she know that relapse was “my jam” for a long 2 years.

Below, my answer:

Hey Sister,

I am sorry you went through that. It sucks. But it happens, and God knows I am familiar with how that goes. Relapses are a blow to the heart, to the body, and to the very essence of who we are. SO. The here are my suggestions:

1. Take time to have time with yourself. Sit with you, the real you. The one who wants to get better. And forgive yourself. The hardest thing for me was to do that, through my relapsing. I found that the last times (the ones that allowed for sobriety to stick!) were better because I re-started recovery on a base of sel...

March 4, 2017

This year I have decided to live. To live fully. I am tired of being scared, crouched in the dark, hiding from the world and myself. I have experienced too many losses in the last year – from my marriage, to my parents marriage, to my self-esteem.

I am slowly recovering. The most important connection that I have recovered is the one with my Higher Power, which in my case is God. I also call Him by other names – mainly Universe.

And this connection has added a thirst for fearless living and leaping. And leaping means doing things that are bold, brave and come from my deepest instinct. Yup, the instinct that was so marinaded in alcohol that had ceased to exist.

Signing up for a magical weekend of Women in Recovery in NYC is one of those leaps. The fact that the 4 women whose books I have read in the last six-months are goi...

March 1, 2017

Most of my life, I drank to escape my feelings.

And because I did it for so long, its almost like I did not mature emotionally in full.

For me, to stop drinking means I have to learn to sit with my feelings – the whole gamut of it.

And you know what? It is uncomfortable as hell to do this. There is something SO unfamiliar and…painful, even – to be in a body that is trapped in anxiety, fear, anger, anguish.

To be sober in early sobriety, meant to be trapped in a very heavy body from which I desperately wanted to escape. It’s funny, but true. I was my own enemy. Whatever happened in the reality of life – the exterior events that surrounded me – didn’t really matter. The filter with which I interpreted that reality was broken, and everything was internally represented as a mountain of stress and darkness. Therefore, there...

February 26, 2017

Inspired by the book “A Place Called Self”

The dictionary defines recovery as a reclaiming or “return” of something lost. According to this definition, a person recovering from addiction is reclaiming the health, sanity and well-being that may have existed before he or she became addicted. But that is not quite right. Recovery is more like starting over than a restoration of what was lost. This is because, for many of us addicts or alcoholics, the real self was never developed. As we grow up, people in our world frequently become role-bound before we know who we are. We hide early on in our addiction and never fully develop into the emotionally whole human beings we were supposed to be. So when we strip off the false self presented in our addiction, our real self is only partially there. We are a bit stunted, so to...

February 23, 2017

I just received my first email from a fellow woman in recovery via my blog. We met on Instagram and she reached out to me after reading some of my posts. OMG! YEAH!! (insert jumping girl here!).

I am so so so thrilled.

For 80+ years, the “secret handshake” of recovery has stayed in the rooms of AA, passed on from person to person. While this is great, this only addresses the people who take themselves to a meeting. It does not help those of us, like me, who desperately search for answers while on the job, secretly navigating online to see if something out there can provide a clue as to what is happening to me. It is SO difficult to find good, solid sobriety information online. And again, due to certain traditions of Anonymity, us recovered "alkies" have stayed in the shadows, taking our message of recovery within our net...

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And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. 

Anaïs Nin

© 2017 Sober Mami. Proudly designed by my unfiltered brain. 

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